Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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