Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
