my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b