I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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