And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
