Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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