I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Someone signed my nipple.
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