Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
