oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
