Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
