GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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