glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize