My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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