So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
