Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
