Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
