I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
