I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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