She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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