The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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