Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
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I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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