Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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