Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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