i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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