I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
