I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
