My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
