Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
