Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Two words: blizzard sex
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
