Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
