As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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