Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
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the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
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Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.