the condom got lost in my hair
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
