At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
