please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My life is pants optional.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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