i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
