xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
