My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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