If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
