god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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