my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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