I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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