I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
