listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.