I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
