the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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