I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
