So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Randomize
