I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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