4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
