420 ftw
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
