I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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