my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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