Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I still have a little drunk in my system
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
