I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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