I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
