I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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