god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
