You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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